I don't buy this shit that American's spew out that letting your guard down and letting love in makes you stronger and is beautiful., blah, blah, blah. Love makes you vulnerable- open to be hurt by others. I often think that I feel much more acutely than others which is why I am so determined to shield myself from both love and hate. They affect me too drastically. Every now and then it bursts out of me and I feel so ashamed that I want to cut myself off completely from these people. Even my best friends. It would be a lot easier if they could forget I existed thus forgetting the times I've cried in front of them. The times I've left myelf completely open. I feel enslaved to them, like they have something they can use against me.
Given the choice, who really would elect to feel pain?
Don't they realise that this is a cry for help? That sitting here quietly is my way of waving a white flag? I have a scream inside of me. Right near the bottom of my chest bone. Sometimes- most of the time- it's so loud I'm sure it's about to burst out and make the people around me jump. That happened one time I was in my car.
October 6th 2006. My head was spinning. My breath was coming in quivering rasps. I was driving through the empty lanes in the pitch black and I just screamed. Once. Then twice. It was so full of pain, so desperate that I was sure that it was heard in heaven and it filled them with guilt. It descended into hard breaths out. Air had a problem getting into my lungs but had no problem getting out. Twice as much came out than went in. Then my whole body shook with shock. And then the pain became hazy, muted and numb as acceptance and realisation washed through me. The sheer horror I felt made me realise that I am now lost.
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